Sisters, we should own up to our poor choices in men.

Scenarios written by China Okasi
Responses written by Anthony Jerrod


You wanna date thugs or chase after the fancy boys who are really jacked up inside and wind up jacking you up in the process of all that shady loving they’re offering. Then, after you’re all emotionally scarred and embittered by your ill-conceived excuses for men, you start getting blinded to the good dudes that do come your way afterwards! What gives? What are y’all going through? Come on! Take it from me, there is a time to NOT trust a man’s skanky behind, but there’s ALSO a time to let down your bags, like Erykah Badu said, and give a brotha some trust. Flip through the following scenarios as Anthony and I break it down so it can forever and consistently be broke*…
Trrrrust me!

China describes: Scenario 1 for the ladies.
You’ve been single forever. You meet this amazing, hot-butter specimen who seems like a winner. Your heart has been broken enough times, so you already know you’re going to play it cool and not rush into “I love you” on your third date. You’re a smart chocolate chip cookie, but should you carry that chip on your shoulder with every man?
Anthony responds: Some people are able to let go and to break forth from their hurtful past. For others, forgiveness is fairly difficult and ultimately results in the proverbial “chip on the shoulder.” To carry this “chip on the shoulder” with every man can prove detrimental not only to your health but also can potentially turn a very good man away who could be a very good husband, friend, lover and father. The past is the past, you are in the present.

China: Right. So…how do you know when to trust the “new” potential boo?
Anthony: Trust is established over a period of time, and communication and actions are the keys to building trust. Really examine your potential boo so that you can understand him. Trust cannot be built if you do not understand a person. At face value, this hot-butter specimen may be able to put on a good show for a certain period of time. However, if he is not genuine, then his flaws will eventually show. On the whole, keep learning about your potential boo and observe how he consistently treats others. When you feel comfortable in your inner being through careful analysis and observation, then you should be able to safely open the doors of trust.

China describes: Scenario 2 for the ladies.
He sliced your heart when you needed him most. He’s a dog. He’s a punk. He’s a jerk. But, in your calmer moments, he’s semi-human. He doesn’t seem to hurt everyone. He just seems to have uniquely traumatized you. Years pass by and you see him on the street. He just wants acknowledgment and he insists he is sorry. Do you trust or bust his a**?

Anthony responds: As a person that is hopefully aspiring to live an abundant life of love, peace and joy, it is okay to acknowledge this past lover and to accept his apology.  Again, forgiveness not only releases your soul and spirit but also helps you to let go of those who have hurt you in the past.  Should you trust this man?  Absolutely not!  Do you bust his a**?  If he does not put his hands on you or act in an intrusive or violent manner, then just speak, accept his apology and keep it moving.

China: Fine. No violence. Next!

China describes: Scenario 3 for the ladies.
You like the new guy, but he has a past: he’s been to jail before for a non-sexual or non-homicidal crime. You no likey his jail history, but, like Phaedra Parks of the “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” you’re kind of digging your new “Apollo”-ish ex-con honey boo. Before your mama intervenes and smacks you in your face for such horror, what should do?

Anthony responds: There is absolutely nothing wrong with digging an ex-offender who is very determined to turn their lives around.  Oftentimes, ex-offenders made one mistake that ultimately cost them a number of years in prison.  Are all of these individuals necessarily “bad” people?  Absolutely not!  This is a message that can be conveyed to your mama to help preclude a “smack down.”

China: Yeah, so uhm…trust or not trust this man?

Anthony: Similar to the hot-butter specimen, trust is established over a period of time, and communication and actions are the keys to building trust.  With an ex-offender, you will have to examine them not only to get a better understanding of who they are but also to see if they are really serious about living a better present and future.   Again, at face value, this hot-butter specimen may be able to put on good show for a certain period of time.  But, take your time and ascertain if he has really changed.  Keep learning about your potential Apollo and when you feel comfortable in your inner being through careful analysis and observation, then you should be able to safely open the doors of trust.

China: Anthony, you might be a lil nutters for espousing that jailbird love on Madame Noire. But, I understand what you’re saying on the whole. * blank stare * (Mama don’t hurt me!)

China describes: Scenario 4 for the ladies.

Your honey is from a different race or culture than you. Once, when joking, he uses a slur that surprises you. You stumble in shock and get really angry. He says he’s sorry and he was just kidding. What should you do?

Anthony responds: The exhibition of love is a beautiful thing – within the context of an intraracial or an interracial courtship or marriage.  Relative to interracial relationships, you would hope that your partner never makes a racial slur that demeans your culture and heritage.  But, if he does make this significant blunder, it is highly recommended that you swiftly and sternly address this issue by letting him know that the slur is not acceptable within the context of your relationship and that there may be severe repercussions if he does it again.

China: Got it. Now, spill the beans, Anthony! Trust or not trust this son-of-a-tongue?

Anthony: If your partner consistently engages in racially-based humor that demeans your culture and heritage, then the trust factor becomes really difficult to establish and/or maintain.  If you are courting such a man, it may prove beneficial to move on.  Conversely, if this truly was an isolated blunder that he later feels really bad about, then it should not adversely affect the trust in your relationship.

China describes: Scenario 5 for the ladies.

He spends a significant amount of time on the phone with women who he claims are his “friends.” You want to be mature, but you know how trifling some co-ed “friendships” can get. Still, you know that he’s never cheated on his ex-girlfriends and he would never hurt you (or so he claims). How do you know if you can trust him?

Anthony responds: It is not uncommon or atypical for a man to have mostly female friends.  And, in some cases, he may have been friends with these women before he met and became intimately involved with you.  If he has never cheated on his ex-girlfriends and has never hurt you, I think that you can trust him.  As a caveat, however, if he is spending more time on the phone and in person with his “friends” than with you, then it would be reasonable to question whether your relationship is still vibrant and whether any of his “friends” have become a “friend with benefits.”

China: ShooOoooo…

China describes: Scenario 6 for the ladies.

When he was younger, he was known as “the” pimp of all pimps. I mean, this man “used to be” a skanky ho of a hog-man. His sexual history is longer than Nene’s new nose. Now, he’s much calmer and doesn’t want to contract an STI. He’s a new “changed” man…and he’s your man. But, really though on the really real? Can you trust him?

Anthony responds: Mr. Space Age Pimpin’ has turned into a square choir boy, huh? It’s not an uncommon occurrence.  Some cynics and commentators do not believe that people can really change.  But, factual and documented cases from around the world have shown that people can turn their lives around through spiritual awakening and enlightment.

If the former Bishop Don Magic Juan is no longer interested in “pimpology” and other vices of his past life and truly shows consistent behavior where he tries his best to live right and to evade places and situations that can lead to trouble or cause a cataclysmic regression, then why not trust him?

China: Hmmmm. Answer accepted. For now

China describes: Scenario 7 for the ladies.

He’s dating you, but every celebrity or non-celebrity woman he says he likes, looks absolutely nothing like you. What in goodness name?! Can you trust this crazy a** man?

Anthony responds: Some men may fantasize about women- whether a celebrity or not- who all seem to have the same features.  This would cause alarm with some women.  But, if the man that you are dating is doing everything that he possibly can to show you that he loves, respects and cares for you, then I think that it is plausible to continue to trust him.  If he continues to show his admiration for these “fantasy” women, but does not seem to ever compliment you on your unique beauty and aesthetics, then you may want to consider whether you want to move on.

China describes: Scenario 8 for the ladies.

He’s lovely. Sometimes you think he’s a little “too” lovely. In fact, he’s giving you a Terry McMillan complex. He gets his nails done more often than you, and he “loves to shop.” Are you just being hyper-sensitive because of the black-men-on-the-DL narrative? How do you know if you can straight trust this brother? (I’m jussssst saying).

Anthony responds: A man who frequently gets his nails done and who loves to shop should not cause alarm. There are some men who really enjoy these forms of “escapism,” and are not on the DL.  ”Black-men-on-the-DL” is a valid and applicable narrative for some brothers, but women should really take the time to look for other indications, in aggregate, that their man may be engaging in this type of clandestine behavior.  If there are no other indications, then you can certainly trust this pedicured, manicured and well-dressed brother over time.

China: Hmmm. Mmm. Let’s hear it for the boys…

China describes: Scenario 9 for the ladies.

His money is fuuunnny. Geez. He spends like a fool and likes to keep up appearances. Maybe he has a good job, but you can’t be too sure he has financial sense. If he loses his job, he might end up broke because he saves nothing. Still, he loves you and wants to put a ring on it. Should you trust him?

Anthony responds: Certainly, there is nothing wrong with investing in yourself and keeping up your appearances.  But, this should not happen at the expense of being economically strained or broke.  Yes, he may have a good job, but he can certainly lose it especially in this lingering economy.  If he truly loves you, he will become more financially savvy and think more about the future (i.e., potential marriage, children, investment vehicles, financial assets, etc.).  If he doesn’t, instead of him stating that he wants to put a ring on it, you can start singing, “To the left, to the left.”

China: …everything you “own,” in the box, to the left…

China describes: Scenario 10 for the ladies.

He’s a rapper, rock star, singer, sports player, or one of those fake-famous type of dudes. *side eye* Can you trust this heffa-male?

Anthony responds:All rappers, rock stars, singers, ballers and aspiring celebrities are not “bad” dudes.  Some of these gentlemen may actually be really nice guys who can be committed to a relationship and exhibit the necessary actions and character that are needed to sustain a long-term relationship.  If he is one of these types of gentlemen, then I think it would be safe to trust him.

Ok my fellow bloggers what cha think? Chime in plz!