To Date or Not to Date a single Mother/Father

Hello my fellow bloggers and readers. Happy Monday, I hope you all had a great weekend, I know I did! My Raiders won, Seahawks looked like shit, o'well I digress... .  I think today is going to be a good day... Alright let's dig in shall we? This topic is a very touchy topic either way, it’s a topic that’s clearly worthy of discussion. Generally, according to the responses, single people without children feel that single parents spoil their kids, are overprotective of them and too lax in disciplining them. Now, single parents, as a rule, wear the hats of both parents and find a way singlehandedly balance two-part parental tasks everyday. They don’t get breaks or 15-20 minute breathers each day, from sunup to sundown they’re ripping and running. It’s not easy but some make it look effortless. Then there are the single people who are responsible only for themselves, come and go wherever and whenever they want and answer to no one. They can work overtime, hit the happy hour or the gym after work, take weekend trips and sleep in on the weekends. These two lifestyles are like night and day. They are on two opposite ends of the spectrum and in no way similar. While single parents may long for the single life for just one night, single people may long for a family to come home to. So when the two lifestyles merge, where do you find the balance? How soon is too soon to introduce your children to a person of interest? Once the relationship is established, does the family newcomer have a say in how you discipline your children and, if so, to what extent? Communication is key, as always, but even though boundaries are communicated, until the situation arises how do you know you’re comfortable with the terms that were discussed? Dealing with children is a sensitive matter and, naturally, parents will protect them by any means necessary even if the third party means well. Not the mention the angst the third party may feel by being attached to a child, or in yesterday’s case, disliking the child. The situation is complicated, no doubt, but is it complicated enough to reject or refuse to date a man or woman with a child or children? I myself am a single mother, I typically don't date men who don't have kids. But my last two relationships the men didn't have kids... To me people without kids just don't get it....

I was married for seven years and have three children with my ex-husbnad. My oldest son is 11 and my youngest is 5. We’ve been divorced for four years and I think dating, for me, is out of the question. As crazy as it may sound, if I date again, I don’t want to date a man with children. I’d prefer to date a single man because I know for a fact that I can’t love anyone else’s kids like I love my own, so don’t ask me to and that’s the honest truth. And I wouldn’t expect a man to love my kids like my ex-husband does. I just can’t see it. Maybe when the baby goes off to college I might have a chance but until then, it’s the single life for me. -Sonia, 37

I’ll be honest, I used to go out of my way not to date women with kids. Like, for example, I’m not with a chick having three kids by three different dudes. To me, that just shows she’s got poor decision making skills, you know? But I say that to say that every story is different and the woman I’m seeing now has a son who’s 8. He’s really smart and goofy and carefree but he’s a cool lil’ dude. She didn’t even let me meet him until about 6 months into it. She invited me to one of his games or whatever and he was checking me out, like, ‘who are you and why are you here?’ But I was okay with that and got to know him. Now I take him to the barber shop and to his practices . . . home depot, it don’t matter. He’s alright with me but I had to earn his trust and I understood that from the door. And before I came around, he used to get over on her and knew how to really work her and I just sat back and watched. After he did or said whatever, I would ask her if I could go talk to the little man and she would be like, ‘why? What you got to say to my son?’ We argued about it a few times but now she’ll say, “can you go and talk some sense into him, please?” We’re good now but it took time and a certain level of trust. I think it’s all about your approach. - Jay, 33

Well, most of the men I’ve dated had children. Most men have children I thought. But over time I’ve learned to see how serious a man with children is. I don’t want to meet your kid unless I can meet the mother of said child or children. If he says he wants me to meet his kids then I’m like ‘well, I want to meet the mother first.’ My sister is a single mother and she’s moved on but her daughter’s father always has a new women around their three-year-old which isn’t cool. She stresses the fact that she just wants to meet whoever will be in her child’s presence only because she has allergies to certain foods and wants to communicate what she can and cannot eat. I, personally, don’t want to be responsible for a child being hospitalized or injured under my care so that’s why I stress meeting the mama. If he says, ‘she’s crazy’ and this and that all that means is, they’re probably still f*cking. He’s not handling his fatherly business and/or he has yet to set the tone of their interaction. They always tell on themselves, so I just listen. -Rae, 27

I was reading through some of the comments in yesterday’s post and I was appalled at the number of women who felt a wife should come before children. It’s painfully obvious that most of the women who said that don’t have kids or they’re selfish parents. I have two and me and my wife would take a bullet before we let anything happen to our children. A love for your child is completely different from the love you share with someone else. I love my children in a way that I could never love my wife and she feels the same way. We both understand that our needs take a backseat to the kids. I think that’s the problem though, too many parents don’t put their children first. And the single parents who date people with no kids always end up feeling like ‘you have no clue. You just don’t get it’ because if you don’t have kids, you can’t understand the love a mother or father has for a child. The women who wrote the letter yesterday is a perfect example. How you gon’ dictate how he should discipline his daughter? She’s clueless. I say, single folks should date other singles and single parents should date single parents. Problem solved. - James, 35

What are your thoughts, blogger fam? Please share them below!

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This topic seems like such a dead horse that keeps getting beaten, over and over again. But if you’re a woman, who happens to be African American, who also happens to be single, this is probably a scenario that crosses your mind more often as time progresses without a partner. Besides, black men date other races effortlessly so what’s the hold up for us sistas? Once you get past the not so chocolate brown skin and paler scrotums, men of other races are pretty much the same, right? Wrong. How often have you heard ” I’ve dated a (_____) guy, but I couldn’t sleep with him.” Every woman from Black, White, Asian, Latina to Middle Eastern love black men, but black women, however, tend to be exclusive to their own when it comes to dating. But is it in vain? Are the odds even in a black woman’s favor to acquire a black man or should they explore other options for a chance at relationship longevity? I  asked my fellow bloggers in a blogger forum and this is what they had to say:

1. I don’t think black women should date outside their race, and that goes for the men too! There just aren’t enough strong black families out there, man. It’s heartbreaking. We’re a dying race and I just don’t see why black men are so quick to cross over to other races when they haven’t even given sistas a chance. But I guess that’s why we should eventually get used to the idea of multi-racial families because there aren’t enough black men to go around. And that’s too bad, just a sad state of affairs, man. Nicole, 32, Finance

2. As a person whose dated a white man, I think we should start dating other men just to kind of see what’s out there. Otherwise, you’re limiting yourself and love could be staring you in the face, but he’s just not black. And I tell you what, all it takes is that one date and you’ll notice that they’re just as much a man as a black one. So it’s not the best thing to wait around for that “mandingo” ’cause pickings are slim. Alena, 26, Manager

3. I’m not sure that I can really encourage black women not to date a black man. I personally have an affinity for my own, but I can only speak for myself. I think that if it’s a situation where the chemistry is undeniable, then go for it. But I’m more of an advocate of black man, woman and child. But these days love is blind, so I guess to each his own. I’ll never hate on love. Keith, 31, Construction

4. Why continue to set yourself up for a down fall? In this day and age, a good man, let alone a good black man is a rarity. So with that in mind, you’d be ignorant to put yourself through the drama of dealing with ni**as if they keep f*cking up? Try something or someone new because I gotta be honest, while I pride myself on being a good black man, most of my ni**as are not, unfortunately. Jermaine, 23, Author



5. Black women should date other races because black men have a reputation of not having their sh*t together. White men, and others, take pride in being a provider to their wife and kids. Some black men are so sorry anymore, they can’t get it together because they don’t have to, some other woman will do it for him. Now don’t get me wrong, my dad is a black man and is still very in love with my mother, they’ve been together for 30+ years. But they don’t make them like that anymore, sadly. Mimi, 29, Designer

6. I date white men and first, the myth is NOT true. Second, they spoil me more than any black man has. Third, they’re more goal oriented. A white man has it all planned out, he wants to be married by 30, have kids at 32, move to another state in a few more years, put the kids through college and finally retire with his lovely wife and travel the world. So, in my opinion, it might be the look if you want a real relationship and marriage. Courtney, 27, Registered Nurse

7. Well, I don’t really condone the idea, but honestly most black dudes are in jail, gay or have a record. I think, mathematically, it’s impossible for all black women to get a black man because of the reasons I just listed. It’s a harsh reality really, but what can you do? I would encourage black women to keep their options open and find love, no matter what they look like. Mack, 33, Mechanic

8. Ni**as date all kinds of females and so should black women! If ni**as can have their “snow bunnies” then I should I get my “Peter Cotton Tail.” It’s only fair. Go on and get you a white girl and watch how she’ll look 65 at 40 with wrinkles and vericose veins. Black don’t crack. No, in all seriousness, I’ve been single for almost two years now and I’ve never dated anyone else. I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m ready to date outside my race. So I guess I’ll be the only one who holds out until I find a black man because I know he’s out there, but as usual, he’s late as hell. Brandy, 31, Merchandising






9. Black women deserve to be more than “baby mamas” and that’s all that they have been for a while. Like how many dudes you got a child with a black woman who is all kinds of “b*tches” and “hoes,” but turn around and wife up the exotic, half-bred broad. That’s why so many women are wanting a dude to “put a ring on it” because they’re so desperate for commitment. Chicks aren’t getting any younger and don’t want to waste time in meaningless relationships, so by all means find your guy but he might not be what you’ve pictured since your childhood. Marcus, 30, Accountant

10. I say, why not? A man is a man, and we have to get over the color issue. I know it’s hard but seriously, why can’t you love someone other than a black man? It’s 2009 and race purity is so antiquated. I think black women have to stop being too picky and try. Try to date the white guy at your job who thinks you’re cute and wants to take you out, go for it! He may end up being your dream guy! Date who you want and be happy. Geeze. Zaria, 21, Med Student

What do you think my fellow bloggers? Weight in!!!