Damn, What Do You Really Want?

  

Hiya!!! I am back my friends! Did you miss me??? Sorry for the M I A you know how it goes... LIFE

Anywho, Good evening, Blog Readers! Here’s to another “Almost Monday Fun day!” After reading through some of my love and relationships articles, one of my male readers sent in a passionate e-mail explaining his position and how he doesn’t “get women.” Seriously, how many times have we had this conversation with a close friend and/or family member(s). This discussion is not gender specific either because women say the don’t understand men either!

In the e-mail the man expressed the notion of “women say they want a man that does this and that and when they find him, he’s too soft or too nice or isn’t quite rough around the edges enough.” He went on to tell a story about how he had invested his time in a relationship only to find that the women he was dating was still sleeping with her ex and her excuse was, “you’re always working and never spend time with me. This is where I’m confused! You say you want a man with a job, car and his own place and as a man, that’s what I’m supposed to do! I’m 32-years-old and women don’t motivate me to do that sh*t for myself. I take care of myself!! I’m in good shape and I’m mentally sound! What am I missing here?” He described himself and eligibility in few words, “I’m no pretty boy Billy D and I’m not a thug but I’m a man who knows how to treat a woman. Damn what do you really want??” Do you even know? I’m convinced that women don’t know what they want and that’s why men suffer.”

The statement is as simple as the topic is complex! Can we prevent pain and “suffrage” by knowing what we want and are willing to compromise? Are you realistic in your thought processes? Or, are we so caught up in a feeling, connection or chemistry — so blinded by love our standards and expectations take a back seat? That is until the flame defuses and you find that the two of you might not have so much in common (other than attraction) and he/she is not the “one.” So we asked a few of our lady readers, “what do you want in man?” Not surprisingly, it was hard for some to articulate what they want versus what they don’t want. And some know, without and shadow if a doubt, what they want in a partner.

In conclusion, he said, ” I challenge your woman readers to speak up and say with conviction, what they want.” Take a look and please discuss!

Wow, why is that such a hard question? I can tell you what I don’t want, for sure. What do I want? Hmm, I absolutely know what I don’t want and that’s a scrub. What I mean by that is, I want my man to know what it means to be a man. I’m not a needy chick so don’t take me not calling for a day personally. Or expect me to be the problem solver in the relationship. I want a man with a job and drive! I want him to have direction, like, I don’t want to have to show him the way to his own success because , if I do, then he’ll want me to do everything else for him. I want him to be as established as I am so we can match each other instead of compete, does that make sense? That’s what I want! – Teresa, 29

I want a man with a dream. I want him to chase his dreams like I do mine. I want him to know what he wants and how to go about getting what he wants, I only want to be the enhancement or the person on the sidelines cheering, I don’t want to be the work slave! I do believe it can be equal but as long as we share similar goals like being a parent, home ownership or big business! We just need to be on the same page, futuristically. If he’s all bark and no bite, I don’t want it. But if he’s focused but can still find time for me, he’s perfect! I just want him to want what he’s after like I am and we’ll be good! - Kelly, 28

Really, I want a man who’s not weak. I don’t want that dude that gets with a white girl because he’s looking for an easy way out of his problems, you know what I’m saying? I don’t want that dude that spends more time with the next broad than he does his own seed. I don’t want a weak-willed man who’s influenced by all the dumb a*s videos and reality TV. If he don’t know that that sh*t is fantasy then I can’t f*ck with him because he’s operating off a totally different principle. If he don’t want the real, then he don’t need to f*ck with me. I tell you what, the real reason why black men are into all kinds of other broads is because they stopped being scared of us. Not saying they should have ever been but you remember that damaging cartoon with the big-breasted black woman talking reckless on the porch, that was a design and a whole different conversation. But, for real, they stopped wanting to please black women and we got too arrogant. Like if you raise your voice or bust the windows out his car he’ll get right . . . no! He can get a bunch of other b*tches that will s*ck his d*ck and all that without the drama. If a man can recognize that, then, in my opinion, he’s not sleeping. What was the question, again? - Lady, 33

I want a man that wants more than he has and acts accordingly. If he didn’t have a man in his life, then I want him to be all he desired for his kids and not fall back on the “I didn’t have a father” excuse. I want a man’s man that knows what a woman wants instinctually. I want him to take care of himself while caring about the people in his life including me. I want a man that can rock me to tears in the bedroom and ignite a passion in me that only he can fuel. I think real men know how to do that but let’s be clear, a man like that is a man of God. He’s gotta be a God-fearing man to please a real woman. - Sandra, 29

Stay tuned for what the fellows responses next week!!!

Why Do the Kids Have to Suffer?

Dear Steph, I need a little help from you and your readers. I divorced my husband 4 years ago and I’m just now getting readjusted to living the single life. There were a number of reasons why we ended up having to divorce, one being he was unfaithful on a number of occasions and the second is because he lacked the drive to make something of himself. We got married when we were 21 and I was in college while he was cutting hair here and there and dabbled in real estate. Well after we had our 2 kids before the age of 30, my husband decided he wanted to be a rapper and started hanging around in random studios and “touring” with another local rapper. Needless to say that got old pretty fast and I was wanting more. Mind you, in the meantime I got my Master’s, bought a house and was holding down the fort by providing and putting in the work hours. However, let me be clear, I didn’t do it for him I did it for my kids. After a while I really got tired of him not wanting more for himself and being a better example for our kids. I guess the problem was I grew up and he did not. Plus the women that were in his phone and calling all hours of the night was the last straw. Well it’s been 4 years since we split and I’m loving life and he immediately moved into a tiny apartment with one of his bust downs and that’s fine with me because I don’t want or need anything from him. I feel so free not having to deal with him and our kids are at an age where they can coordinate when they want to spend time with him without me having to be involved until they need to be picked up or dropped off. Where I think I’m messing up is I allow him to come over and spend time with the kids only because sometimes I feel more at ease knowing they’re home. But lately he keeps trying me and talking nonsense whenever I see him. He says things like “well, you need to give us another chance” or “all you have to do is say the word and I’m back” but I don’t want him! I’ve even grown to like his current girlfriend a little only because she’s good to my kids. What I don’t like is that when I tell him I’m not interested in getting back with him and that our time has run its course, he gets mad and takes it out on the kids by not calling or making good on his word to them. I think it’s disgusting that I almost have to play along and flirt with his little insinuations to get him to come through for the kids! I’m over him, I want him in the kids life but it seems like more of a hassle than anything else. Do you have any input or advice for situations like these?

Hello to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! Ahhh, the classic “you never miss a good thing until it’s gone” story at its best, right? And, sis, you have proven that another saying is also true, “success is the best revenge!” One can only admire the strides you’ve made and the example you’ve set for your children . . . and, obviously, your ex-husband is feeling the loss! If he has an ounce of intelligence, he’s probably wishing he had done things differently and could only hope for another chance with you but, in his heart, he knows he doesn’t have a fighting chance at this point unless he makes more than a few changes in his life. So far, “Easy Street” seems to be where he’s most comfortable, unfortunately. Without knowing the logistics of the divorce, he’s got it made in comparison to others in the same situation! All you ask of him is time and attention to devote to the kids and nothing more!

So, what it sounds like is, you’ve got troubles establishing solid boundaries at this juncture in your relationship. Although you two are divorced, you will have to deal with each other until the kids are grown, so it’s best to firmly enforce your boundaries and expectations without hesitation. If he’s talking slick to you and taking it out on your kids when you don’t entertain him, then that speaks volumes of his selfish character! Your romantic involvement, or lack thereof, with him should not, in any way, dictate his parenting! True, it’s awkward in times of transition but he’s had four years to adjust to the divorce and has moved on with his life! You’re deserving of the same freedom, so don’t even fool around with his shenanigans for a second! Divert any and all his innuendos and refocus the conversation back to the kids! All communication should be strictly business . . . i.e. the kids!

But here’s the deal, you clearly have a place in his heart and mind so use your position wisely. In most, cases, there’s normally a point or position that cannot be argued because it makes too much sense and you can’t argue truth and fact. Tell him straight up, “hey, you know what? Our marriage ran its course and I’m ready to move on with my life! You’ve moved on, so why can’t I?” Tell him the kids should not have to suffer because you don’t want to rekindle a romantic relationship with him and stress the fact that, at some point, he’s going to have to answer to his absence! Tell him he will no longer be welcomed in your house if he can’t adhere to the visitation schedule. Be firm in the idea that you want nothing from him outside of him being a father to the kids. But you must tell him without wavering . . . you have to be firm, ma, no “flirting!” He’ll come around to it in due time if you stick to your guns, so stay strong, sis! Stay strong and keep living! My thing is always know your worth! I can't say that enough...

What are your thoughts, blogger Fam? Please share them below!

Why won't SHE commit?!

Haha do I have your attention with my title?!?!?! Welp for those of you that know me, I love to flip the script nor am I the typical woman. I don't have commitment issues, but as a single mother I can't afford to make mistakes when it comes to dating... So to help some of my brotha's that finds themselves into a woman but she just won't commit..  Let's explore this a little bit more shall we?

So men, have you ever found yourself puzzled about a woman's intentions toward you? 

You've taken her out, wined and dined her, treated her like a queen, and she still gives you the run around?

She's every thing you've ever wanted.  She has beauty, class, and a great personality.

She shows you affection, answers when you call, and may even pay for a date or two.

You want her, but any time you bring up commitment she runs for the hills?

So what gives? Why won't she commit?!

Men are not the only ones who don't give titles quickly.  There are a number of men who sit and ponder why the lady in their life won't accept the title "girlfriend".  They are with a lady who runs hot and cold.  She gives him just enough to keep him interested, but never quite all of herself.  She allows him to get close, but she keeps him at a distance.  Just when he thinks the chase is over and he has her, she pulls away. 

You have conversations that go something like this:

YOU:  I really enjoy spending time with you, and would like to see you more often.

HER: Oh that's sweet of you to say! I like spending time with you too.

YOU: You know I think about you all the time.

HER: You do?

YOU:  Yes, I've been waiting to have a woman like you in my life for awhile. I can really see us being good together.

HER: Ummm...ok.  Well, I think I need to make another phone call.  Can we talk tomorrow?

Here's the deal.  Some women just do not want to be in committed relationships.  She may be at the time in her life where she's just "doing her".  Which means she's dating, having fun, living life and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone.  She enjoys your company, but she is not trying to answer to anyone's title.  She views commitments as loss of freedom.  And that is the last thing she wants.

Another reason may be that you're doing too much, without requiring anything from her.  And most noncommittal women will not commit to men who don't require anything from them.  You have to be blunt and set boundaries.  Make love to her mind not just her body.. Most men won't understand that statement. For those of you go back to undergraduate level, I only deal with 500+ level. Now where was I? oh, do not let her use your kindness for weakness.  She won't respect you.  There must be balance.  If you do not require anything from her, she will keep you in waiting while she looks for a man who will. Sorry ladies am I telling a little too much...

In other situations, she may feel unworthy of you.  She has some issues that she's dealing with that make her question why a guy like you would want to be with her.  In this situation, the commitment phobia can be calmed down with a little tender loving care.  She has to heal from whatever in her past makes her feel like she doesn't deserve a man who treats her well.  However, you must be in it for the long haul, because this will take time.

Whatever you do, do not indulge a noncommittal woman.  She will take noncommittal to new heights and it will drive you crazy.  She will make you feel like you are the only one and the best man in the world, but she will not become your girl, wife or significant other.  You will forever be her friend unless you decide to go on your separate way or tap into the reason why she won't commit.

To get into the real reason why she won't commit, you have to have a strong nerve.  You may not like what you hear.  You may learn that you are not her ideal mate and she cannot see herself with you in the future.  Just know that you deserve to be with a woman who wants to be with you. Let the choir say amend!

You should give your heart, love and time to someone who will give the same in return.  If you ask not, you receive not.  Make your intentions known, and let her know that there is a limit to how much time she will be allowed in your life if she insists on playing around.  And whatever you do, stick to your guns.

I think I could go on with us women having our own successful careers, mothering and simply holding it down on our own, we expect more from our man. But that will be part two. :-)

Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment

How to Cure a Committment Phobic

When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit: Recognizing the Signs of a Commitment-Phobe and What You Can Do About It

Sextra: Ancient Techniques for Steamy All Nighters

Good day, Blogger readers! Let’s talk sex! Sex and sexuality have been a part of society and cultures around the world since the beginning of time. With the passing of time, naturally, evolution is to be expected, but some things never change as adage states, “there is nothing new under the sun” including man and woman’s natural desire for sexual pleasure.

Now, in ancient times sex was more than just an hour of sweaty romping that ends with two breathless bodies, one of which is sure to fall asleep within minutes. Keep in mind sex in the U.S. lasts a total of 17 minutes on average. But think about it, Kama Sutra and Tantric sex were created thousands of year ago by people who had no technological distractions. There was no Sports Center to turn on after a session, no Play Stations, no internet, so what did they do at night for hours at a time? You already know. But sex, in those times, was intimate and mediative, a spiritual experience each and every time. It was about connecting with your partner on another plane and transcending beyond the flesh. This was a process that took hours which resulted in explosive orgasms … together. Did you know that tantric practitioners believe that male ejaculation was to be controlled in order to experience multiple orgasms? They were all about a heightened sense of sexual energy!

The word tantra means “to weave together” and/or “to expand” so with that in mind, let’s apply these ancient practices to modern sexuality! Take a look at a few of these tantric tips to enhance your sexual experience with your loved one!

Quick Tip: tantric techniques are all about control. Practitioners believe that male ejaculation is draining, so the point is to learn to control ejaculatory urges by understanding the flow of your sexual energy. You must take your time and be as relaxed and comfortable as possible.

Breath Control - this is by far the most essential tool of tantric practice. Practice breathing steady and resist the urge to pant. When you’re huffing or holding your breath, you climax quicker. But to enhance your arousal, breathe slow and deep. When two people inhale and exhale on the same beat at the same time, it connects the two on a deeper level and will take your lovemaking to unimaginable heights. Relaxation is key!

Testicle Tweak - fellas, when you feel like you’re about to let loose, pull your testicles down and away from your body. You can practice this in your private moments alone with yourself or while you’re with your lady, she can do the honors if you’re willing. The idea is to learn how to feel pleasure without ejaculating.

Tip Compression - to maintain and prolong your erection, gently squeeze just below the tip of the penis. Explore this technique because every body is different so the pressure point may by a little above or below the tip. Again, have your lady help you find the spot. This is also good because women can learn the pleasure zones that are specific to her man.

Carefully Choose Position Variations - position changes can make or break your ability to control ejaculation so to make it last, chose wisely. Tantric practices use position switch to create a new escalation of sexual pleasure with the change of rhythm and sensation in order to overcome the urge to climax. This is a good way to find positions that are unique to you and your lover.

Be One - the whole point of these practices is to enhance intimacy with your partner and connect on a more spiritual level. The union of body, mind and soul with your lover. This will inevitably bring you closer as a unit and solidify your trust with one another.

So try something new and have fun getting to know your partner on another level!

Weight in reader whatcha think.....

The Modern Kama Sutra: The Ultimate Guide to the Secrets of Erotic PleasureThe Complete Idiot's Guide to Supercharged Kama Sutra Illustrated Ancient  Techniques for Healing & Pain Relief The Heart of Tantric Sex: A Unique Guide to Love and Sexual Fulfillment Tantric Secrets for Men: What Every Woman Will Want Her Man to Know about Enhancing Sexual Ecstasy

Sextra: Kink or Crossing the Line?

Happy almost Friday, fellow blogger readers! Sorry for the delay in recent post. I did a lightening pole on an open forum. Took me a couple of days to gather my research tehee.I was compelled to do a little asking around about what’s too much in the bedroom. Kinky sex is necessary sometimes to keep things exciting, but there’s that ambiguous threshold that’s sometimes crossed when your partner takes things just a little too far. Blame it on the heat of the moment if you want, but it’s hard to recover from awkward “where did you learn that” or “why would you do that” bedroom moments. Of course, the best way to avoid such headaches is communication, but you’re never prepared for that moment until it arises. Again, it’s a matter of individual preference and it’s natural to test the sensual boundaries from time to time. So is it kinky or crossing the line? Take a look at what some of my bloggers had to say!

Spanking

I love it when my man grabs and smacks my booty. I like the feeling of being handled, especially when he’s getting it from the back and he’s got my hips clutched. Like the article said yesterday, I know he’s smacking it hard too but I can’t really feel it … it stings a little but it’s a good pain, I guess. I love getting tapped but I’m a hands only kind of girl. What I can’t get into is the whips and paddles … but I have been spanked with a hairbrush getting freaky in the bathroom! It was fun I didn’t mind it so much. Keisha, 26

I’m not getting spanked, I mean come on. But I’ll do it. Paddles and whips or whatever, not so much. Personally, I would feel slighted if a woman wanted me to use a paddle or whip on her because she’s then focused on a paddle and not me. Call me selfish but I want her to be focused on me, my hands or whatever else I decide smack that (booty) with. Marcus, 37

Bondage

I had this guy who was really into the ball gags and bondage roping. I thought that was something only white people do but he was really into it. It tripped me out because I wasn’t sure what to think about it. I said I wasn’t into it but he wanted me to tie him up, which was cool. But he really freaked me out when he wanted to be gagged with a ball that you strap to his mouth. And I thought I was freak! He freaked me under the table. That was just too much for me. Reese, 31

I’m going to tell you like this, I tried it once and that’s all I needed. Never again. I’ll cuff my lady and have my way with her because I like to be in control that way. Uh, but ropes and gag balls and masks are just too much. That’s not freaky that’s sick. I think when you get into that kind of thing it ruins the natural act of sex and intimacy. Cuffs and blindfolds, all day but I’m not with the heel that licking b.s. Bryan, 28

Choking

Now I was so against choking the man I’m seeing now put me onto it. He did it in a way that wasn’t too threatening. He’s an aggressive kind of man to begin with so when he did it the first time I was like ‘oh (snap). This is fun!’ I love it now and he chokes me all the time but not to a point where I can’t breathe. Like Mike Baisden says, ‘choke me ’till I’m woozy’ not ’till I pass out. Anita, 27

See I was into to the choking for a while until this one guy really scared me. And we were having pretty good sex up until that particular instance. We were into it and I said, you know, ‘choke me.’ Girl, his eyes lit up like it was Christmas and he choked me so hard and was saying, ‘take this (man part) like a (lady of the night)’ and ‘I knew you were a freak like me.’ But I was really turned off by this and never called him back. I know I asked for it, but I don’t want to be play raped either, you know? Michelle, 32

Dirty Talk

I’m okay with nasty talk. I like it when my boyfriend tells me to say his name or curses at me – I know it sounds crazy- but I love it when he curses and tell me what to do. It’s a mind game for me and I love to do what he tells me to do. Like when he says ‘put that (booty) up and (bang) this (man part’). That really turns me on. I love it! But no name calling! Ebony, 25

A woman can never say anything too freaky to me. Whatever she says, I like it! I don’t think women understand how nasty the mind of a man is. We love that super freaky (stuff) so please don’t be shy. You can moan it, scream it, shout it, whisper … I don’t care. Just make sure you put a ‘Daddy’ or ‘Papi’ at the end of that, and don’t forget to tell me who’s (lady part) it is. Is that too much to ask? I’ll do whatever your little freaky heart desires, it’s all about you baby. J.T., 32

Oral

Don’t gag me. I’m all for the hair pulling and deep throating and I’ll even let you finish. What I will not tolerate is you forcibly grabbing the back of my head and shoving your piece down my throat until I choke and gag. That is totally crossing the line and is completely disrespectful. Out of line. That’s just taking it too far and it’s a violation! Don’t like it. Reina, 28

Sweetheart, I am guilty of your complaint several times over. When you describe it that like, that’s pretty ruff. You don’t like that? That’s a part of the fun! To each her own, but open your mouth and say something! Okay, okay! I’m guilty of it. I hear you loud and clear. I’ll be better about that. Reina’s Boyfriend, 33

Weight in reader, let me know what you think. Are you kinky, freaky, prudish, sneaky freak or just plain ole boring?!?!?!
Oral Sex He'll Never Forget: 52 Positions and Techniques Guaranteed to Blow Your Man Away  Oral Sex She'll Never Forget: 50 Positions and Techniques That Will Make Her Orgasm Like She Never Has Before  Mastering Multiple Position Sex: Mind-Blowing Lovemaking Techniques That Create Unforgettable Orgasms   Amazing Deal! 2 Pleasuring Vibrating Condom Rings, Set of 2 Rings for Her Pleasure and Yours 

10 Reasons Why Black Women Should Date Outside Their Race

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This topic seems like such a dead horse that keeps getting beaten, over and over again. But if you’re a woman, who happens to be African American, who also happens to be single, this is probably a scenario that crosses your mind more often as time progresses without a partner. Besides, black men date other races effortlessly so what’s the hold up for us sistas? Once you get past the not so chocolate brown skin and paler scrotums, men of other races are pretty much the same, right? Wrong. How often have you heard ” I’ve dated a (_____) guy, but I couldn’t sleep with him.” Every woman from Black, White, Asian, Latina to Middle Eastern love black men, but black women, however, tend to be exclusive to their own when it comes to dating. But is it in vain? Are the odds even in a black woman’s favor to acquire a black man or should they explore other options for a chance at relationship longevity? I  asked my fellow bloggers in a blogger forum and this is what they had to say:

1. I don’t think black women should date outside their race, and that goes for the men too! There just aren’t enough strong black families out there, man. It’s heartbreaking. We’re a dying race and I just don’t see why black men are so quick to cross over to other races when they haven’t even given sistas a chance. But I guess that’s why we should eventually get used to the idea of multi-racial families because there aren’t enough black men to go around. And that’s too bad, just a sad state of affairs, man. Nicole, 32, Finance

2. As a person whose dated a white man, I think we should start dating other men just to kind of see what’s out there. Otherwise, you’re limiting yourself and love could be staring you in the face, but he’s just not black. And I tell you what, all it takes is that one date and you’ll notice that they’re just as much a man as a black one. So it’s not the best thing to wait around for that “mandingo” ’cause pickings are slim. Alena, 26, Manager

3. I’m not sure that I can really encourage black women not to date a black man. I personally have an affinity for my own, but I can only speak for myself. I think that if it’s a situation where the chemistry is undeniable, then go for it. But I’m more of an advocate of black man, woman and child. But these days love is blind, so I guess to each his own. I’ll never hate on love. Keith, 31, Construction

4. Why continue to set yourself up for a down fall? In this day and age, a good man, let alone a good black man is a rarity. So with that in mind, you’d be ignorant to put yourself through the drama of dealing with ni**as if they keep f*cking up? Try something or someone new because I gotta be honest, while I pride myself on being a good black man, most of my ni**as are not, unfortunately. Jermaine, 23, Author



5. Black women should date other races because black men have a reputation of not having their sh*t together. White men, and others, take pride in being a provider to their wife and kids. Some black men are so sorry anymore, they can’t get it together because they don’t have to, some other woman will do it for him. Now don’t get me wrong, my dad is a black man and is still very in love with my mother, they’ve been together for 30+ years. But they don’t make them like that anymore, sadly. Mimi, 29, Designer

6. I date white men and first, the myth is NOT true. Second, they spoil me more than any black man has. Third, they’re more goal oriented. A white man has it all planned out, he wants to be married by 30, have kids at 32, move to another state in a few more years, put the kids through college and finally retire with his lovely wife and travel the world. So, in my opinion, it might be the look if you want a real relationship and marriage. Courtney, 27, Registered Nurse

7. Well, I don’t really condone the idea, but honestly most black dudes are in jail, gay or have a record. I think, mathematically, it’s impossible for all black women to get a black man because of the reasons I just listed. It’s a harsh reality really, but what can you do? I would encourage black women to keep their options open and find love, no matter what they look like. Mack, 33, Mechanic

8. Ni**as date all kinds of females and so should black women! If ni**as can have their “snow bunnies” then I should I get my “Peter Cotton Tail.” It’s only fair. Go on and get you a white girl and watch how she’ll look 65 at 40 with wrinkles and vericose veins. Black don’t crack. No, in all seriousness, I’ve been single for almost two years now and I’ve never dated anyone else. I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m ready to date outside my race. So I guess I’ll be the only one who holds out until I find a black man because I know he’s out there, but as usual, he’s late as hell. Brandy, 31, Merchandising






9. Black women deserve to be more than “baby mamas” and that’s all that they have been for a while. Like how many dudes you got a child with a black woman who is all kinds of “b*tches” and “hoes,” but turn around and wife up the exotic, half-bred broad. That’s why so many women are wanting a dude to “put a ring on it” because they’re so desperate for commitment. Chicks aren’t getting any younger and don’t want to waste time in meaningless relationships, so by all means find your guy but he might not be what you’ve pictured since your childhood. Marcus, 30, Accountant

10. I say, why not? A man is a man, and we have to get over the color issue. I know it’s hard but seriously, why can’t you love someone other than a black man? It’s 2009 and race purity is so antiquated. I think black women have to stop being too picky and try. Try to date the white guy at your job who thinks you’re cute and wants to take you out, go for it! He may end up being your dream guy! Date who you want and be happy. Geeze. Zaria, 21, Med Student

What do you think my fellow bloggers? Weight in!!!

Is Dating A Friend’s Ex An Absolute No-No???

Here’s a subject that never gets old… Is it ever okay to date a friend’s ex???
Most people say no, but rumor has it Kim Porter pounced on her friend Misa’s man Diddy, Dame Dash scooped up Aaliyah after Jay-Z and it’s no secret that Seal Married Heidi Klum years after dating Tyra Banks.

Would you ever date a friends ex? Does it take careful negotiation and frank discussions to keep all the relationships intact? Would you ever give a friend your blessing to try your sloppy seconds after you’ve moved “On To The Next One?

I think it really depends on the feelings the person closest to you had/has for the prospective new beau and the circumstances of their past courtship. As a rule, a man or a woman should never come between true friends and generally speaking it’s not a good idea to mess with someone one of your friends slept with or officially dated, like boyfriend/girlfriend.

The main reason being is that people are territorial. Once you share bodies with someone you actually liked at some point, you sometimes feel a sense of “ownership.” Even if you don’t want to be with them anymore you might still feel “weird” knowing that now someone else is hitting that. It’s even weirder when it’s someone you know.

On the flip side, there are instances where you might truly not give a rat’s ass about the person. Maybe y’all weren’t compatible; never had sex or only did it just once; you hate their guts; or became best friends, whatever the reason, you’re cool with them seeing whomever they want—including someone you know. The only thing that’s required in that scenario is a honest conversation with your friend to make sure he or she is cool with it and then you’re good to go.

You just have to know your friend well enough to make sure they’re not just lying to save face. Because if they are and you proceed to see their old flame—thinking you have the green light—you’ll be in for a big surprise when you notice how you’re getting some serious side-eye from your friend. For the most part, this situation is harder to deal with between women. Now, I’m not saying ALL women are catty but a good majority are. #ImJustSaying. (Most) Guys on the other hand can talk things out a little better.

I think we all have people we "hooked-up" with that really we had no emotional attachment to. Just physical... I believe in the 3-R's (Recycle, reduce, reuse). So there are partners I had for 15 years. I have had honestly a few girlfriend date my leftovers... I will go on record by saying I have never done that. I am too much of a visual person. Yuck!

It’s not like I could sleep with someone for that long and not have any kind of emotions involved, but I’m a rational person. I knew I didn’t want to be with him at all; so why should I stand in his way if one of my girls wanted to offer him something I wasn’t willing to? Still, I can’t front like it wasn’t weird seeing a man I was intimate with dating someone that was the closest thing to a best friend at the time. But, again, I knew I didn’t want to be with him beyond the physical so it was pointless to cockblock on my boy.

Maybe that’s just me.

Basically, this is an issue about the statute of limitations on penis/cucci. If you’re friend had physical relationships with this guy and things just didn’t work out, depending on how deep things were he may be off the market—at least for a few a years if they were never “official” BF/GF. But if she truly has no feelings for dude and several years have passed, some could say he’s fair game with her permission just as a courtesy.
As for the whole issue of people claiming any and every person they’ve ever known as “off limits” that can be a bit impossible. We live in a day an age where we’re all are just a few FaceBook friends away of knowing each other. With that said, we’d all be off limits if we played by those rules. As long as the relationship you care about most is intact you’re straight in my book. Everyone needs to be open and honest, when you go behind someones back and sneak that makes you guilty of something which is a bitter pill to swallow. Just be honest and open with your friend, because we all know what is done in the dark WILL come to light! Just sayin'

Do you think it’s trifling to date someone your friend once had an interest in? Does it matter whether your friend was intimate with the person or not? What if the person you were interested in was your friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it more acceptable to date the ex of a friend if a good amount of years went by since they were together? Or are there certain lines that friends don’t cross? Would you give your blessing if a friend wanted to date an ex you didn’t care about? Do you think the friend in this letter has a right to cockblock on the writer pursuing this guy? Would you let a man/woman come between one of your friendships?

Speak your piece…



Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back!Dating Game #4: Ex-Rating (No. 4)  Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work  Stop Dating the Church!: Fall in Love with the Family of God (Lifechange Books)  What Women Wish You Knew about Dating: A Single Guy's Guide to Romantic Relationships

Things to come once I get not looky lous but participants on my blog

So... we all know with modern technolgy I can tell how many visitors I get on my blog right?? Cant yet see whom they are but I know how many clicks I get.. Whelp with that said, I have soooo much to talk about, debate, piss off, judge, slam about I want people who will participate in the discussions.. Because guess what? the shit I add on here takes some coding! this isn't facebook or myspace! People who blog actually have to know what the fuck they are doing i.e. html coding etc to post stuff!
Back to my title...

Up coming topics once I have people who are not peekers but SPEAKERS...

1) How many womem "fake" not knowing the 'game' (women who date men who THINK they are running game on them, but the whole time we see thru there fake asses). But again we might not need to talk about that because I think men honestly think their lame ass game is working. shuck and jive ladies!!!!!!

2) Who cheats better, women or men?????? again, once I get more participants I will speak on this. For my friends, they KNOW I have a lot to say. But the dead silence on my page, seeing how many views I get, naw no fair. Participate or get the fuck off my page. real talk!

3) At the tender age of *beep* I have never, nor do I now, have the dreams of white picket fences, two kids and a smelly ass dog??? WHAT THE FUK ME IS WRONG WITH MI?

Mic drops exit stage left! or whatever horse you rode on in... beat it! Your mommy needs to blow your nose for you!

'The Ring': Episode 2 - Preserving Your Sexy

Is it okay to get so comfortable in your relationship that you stop putting forth an effort to maintain your physical appearance? On this episode of the 'The Ring,' Rebecca Brody and Mason Jamal lace up and square off over how much importance should be placed on preserving the sexy for your significant other. Watch -- and then weigh in.

Watch more AOL Black Voices videos on AOL Video

Watch more AOL Black Voices videos on AOL Video

A List of Ways to Be a More Supportive Partner (Part 2)

Hello World - Here’s to another “Almost There Thursday!” So being in a relationship is rewarding, fulfilling and all things wonderful but it’s also hard work, right? Anyone who is invested in a relationship probably says, every so often, “I could do better with that.” And, a lot of times, the “that” is being a little more supportive of your significant other. When you get to a certain level of comfort in a relationship, we tend to slip in terms of the attention, time and support you give to the person that’s special to you. Then there’s the domino-effect that follows, one person feels slighted or neglected and, in turn, out of spite or inadvertently discontinues the emotional maintenance needed to keep things healthy . . . and then the fights ensue. A lot of those spats tend to stem from something larger than you forgetting to make dinner reservations and come to surface after the explosion. And one is left to question, “why, didn’t you just tell me that? I can’t read your mind!” Which is often countered with “I did but you didn’t seem to care!” But if you can avoid these upheavals by being a little more attentive and a little more supportive, why not? Paying attention goes a long way, so remind yourself to stay on your toes!

Patience is Key - right, we all have bad days and sometimes your loved one comes at you at the wrong time on the wrong day. No need to unleash your pent-up aggression on the person you care about. Be cool and convey that, “this is not the time.” In other cases, you could just not be in the mood to hear him/her vent about the same things he/she vents about time after time. Give yourself a second, tell him/her that you need a moment, and go wrap your brain around listening.

Reconnect - a lot of times, we tend to get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives we neglect our personal lives and the people in it. Sometimes a night without outside distractions from the television, computer and cell phone is powerfully refreshing. Take a walk or enjoy a quiet dinner with your loved one, discuss the day and enjoy being in each other’s space. Sounds corny, right? But it goes a long way! Just sayin'

Take Initiative - sometime people just need a little push and support to really pursue a hobby or interest. For example, if your loved one loves to cook and rants a raves about wanting to learn more about it, do the research, find a class or workshop and extend the information. A simple, “hey, I thought you might enjoy something like this” goes a long way. Means you’re listening and supportive of their endeavors. Positive begets more positive!

Listen Closely - they say that listening is the lost art, so apparently that means we could all do a lot more of it! It’s one thing to hear what’s being said but listening is completely different. A lot of times, you don’t even have to say a word in return if you’ve listened close enough and sometimes a response is unnecessary and unwanted when you’ve devoted your attention to the one who’s in need of an ear.

Refrain From Fussing - we all go against each other’s greater instincts from time to time and sometimes unsuccessfully so. However, the last thing anyone needs to hear after an epic fail is “I told you so. None of this would’ve happened if you had just listened. See, didn’t I tell you?” Don’t do that! Even though an “I told you so” is in order, it can wait . . . forever! Listening and an, “I’m sorry it didn’t work out but we’ll get through it” kind of attitude is far more encouraging than a fuss bucket!

Celebrate Milestones - who cares what it is, celebrate it! It could be something as simple as making a monthly goal at work, completing a marathon or shedding some pounds! Recognize the results and celebrate them. It doesn’t have to be over the top, a few balloons and roses or a home-cooked meal and card would do the trick. A small token of recognition always resonates with the person on the receiving end!

In relationships, the old saying, “little things mean a lot” still rings true and could really smooth out those rocky patches every couple encounters from time to time.

What are your thought, bloggers? Please share them!I love feedback so please comment below.

Lust or Love....

In light of all the recent headlines that are exposing the cheating ways of many, it leaves one to wonder what it is that makes someone recklessly abandon their marriage. Is it simply infatuation or lust? Or are they confusing their casual encounters for love? Either way, the differentiation between lust and love begs discernment lately, no? While it’s completely healthy to lust after someone you love, it’s a gamble to try and turn a fling into a solid, loving partnership! The latter hardly works because it lacks the foundation! With everything being so instantaneous in this day and age, we wait for nothing yet expect stellar results with very little effort. It’s kind of like trying to microwave a gourmet meal – never works. A strong partnership takes time and lots of work. So why should one feel the need to work if the prize has already been won and the goods have already been consumed? We asked a few people what the difference is between lust and love and here’s what they had to say.


Lust is normally synonymous with infatuation. Love, to me, means experience. Lust is funny because when you’re caught in the moment and everything around you, it’s not necessarily the person! The setting, where you met that person or that particular moment sometime gets mistaken for something deeper. But once it’s over and you really start to get to know him, the fire dies and you don’t want him anymore or vise versa. Most people don’t really know what love is and that’s why they’re often confused! Love is hard and never easy. Love is sticking by someone no matter what the situation may be. The moment you start to pray for someone more than yourself, that’s love. – Layla, 31


Lust is a feeling, purely sexual. Loving is not only wanting to have sex with someone but also spending time with them and getting to know them. Love is leaving you with feelings of having some kind of stock invested into the relationship. I wonder how some people do it though. They base their relationship purely on infatuation or lusting after a person. Some people think that if they are attracted to someone, that’s all there is to have in a relationship … almost like lust turns into love by force. Men, when we’re looking for love we want the whole package. She doesn’t have to be a 10 but attractive to me. Maybe come from a good family with good morals and healthy relationships! Hey, that’s a 10! Men won’t stay with a women who doesn’t have more to offer than good sex. – Charlie B., 33


I’ve been guilty of confusing the two once or twice in my life. But now that I’m a little older I can say that lust and love are often confused because people are too quick to proclaim this deep, affectionate love for someone without knowing them while enjoying all the benefits of a long lasting relationship. Does that make sense? Like, I think people confuse good sex with love. You can have phenomenal sex with someone without even knowing their name and so it goes, you meet a someone, you go on a couple dates and now you’re physical … regularly. But a few more months into it, it’s messy and you’re at each other’s throats if it’s not over already. Love takes time and I think the people forget that you have to be friends with your partner first. If you’re friends first, you can overcome all obstacles because the framework is in place. You can’t build a friendship out of lust or an infatuation, in my opinion. – Kay, 29


The huge difference between lust and love is: lust is more of a good time or an “in the moment” type of deal. Love is when you get into the deeper parts of a person. You want to get to know the mental more so than the physical, you start to think about the future with that person and really take a personal interest in them and their well being. And that’s when the romance and the cooking dinners together and the massages come in, it’s the total package, you know? Lust and love get confused because people get tunnel vision, they’re moving too fast and abandon the bigger picture for a moment or moments. But all that means is they weren’t fully invested in the relationship to begin with. Love would pretty much dispel all those urges to go astray. – Kristoff, 30


There’s no real right answer to that. Love and lust mean different things to different people. That’s why it’s so important to get to know each other before you start getting into the physical aspects of the relationship. You should really find out whether your goals and aspirations in terms of love, family life and the future parallel in ways that are beneficial to the both of you. Then you can build. When you do too much too fast you crash and burn. I guess I’m old-fashioned in that way but it’s okay to take your time with these things. I know it sounds like idealistic but I can happen. I have hope. – J.D., 31

Chime in Bloggers, what ya think? I would like to know how you guys feel...