Sisters, we should own up to our poor choices in men.

Scenarios written by China Okasi
Responses written by Anthony Jerrod


You wanna date thugs or chase after the fancy boys who are really jacked up inside and wind up jacking you up in the process of all that shady loving they’re offering. Then, after you’re all emotionally scarred and embittered by your ill-conceived excuses for men, you start getting blinded to the good dudes that do come your way afterwards! What gives? What are y’all going through? Come on! Take it from me, there is a time to NOT trust a man’s skanky behind, but there’s ALSO a time to let down your bags, like Erykah Badu said, and give a brotha some trust. Flip through the following scenarios as Anthony and I break it down so it can forever and consistently be broke*…
Trrrrust me!

China describes: Scenario 1 for the ladies.
You’ve been single forever. You meet this amazing, hot-butter specimen who seems like a winner. Your heart has been broken enough times, so you already know you’re going to play it cool and not rush into “I love you” on your third date. You’re a smart chocolate chip cookie, but should you carry that chip on your shoulder with every man?
Anthony responds: Some people are able to let go and to break forth from their hurtful past. For others, forgiveness is fairly difficult and ultimately results in the proverbial “chip on the shoulder.” To carry this “chip on the shoulder” with every man can prove detrimental not only to your health but also can potentially turn a very good man away who could be a very good husband, friend, lover and father. The past is the past, you are in the present.

China: Right. So…how do you know when to trust the “new” potential boo?
Anthony: Trust is established over a period of time, and communication and actions are the keys to building trust. Really examine your potential boo so that you can understand him. Trust cannot be built if you do not understand a person. At face value, this hot-butter specimen may be able to put on a good show for a certain period of time. However, if he is not genuine, then his flaws will eventually show. On the whole, keep learning about your potential boo and observe how he consistently treats others. When you feel comfortable in your inner being through careful analysis and observation, then you should be able to safely open the doors of trust.

China describes: Scenario 2 for the ladies.
He sliced your heart when you needed him most. He’s a dog. He’s a punk. He’s a jerk. But, in your calmer moments, he’s semi-human. He doesn’t seem to hurt everyone. He just seems to have uniquely traumatized you. Years pass by and you see him on the street. He just wants acknowledgment and he insists he is sorry. Do you trust or bust his a**?

Anthony responds: As a person that is hopefully aspiring to live an abundant life of love, peace and joy, it is okay to acknowledge this past lover and to accept his apology.  Again, forgiveness not only releases your soul and spirit but also helps you to let go of those who have hurt you in the past.  Should you trust this man?  Absolutely not!  Do you bust his a**?  If he does not put his hands on you or act in an intrusive or violent manner, then just speak, accept his apology and keep it moving.

China: Fine. No violence. Next!

China describes: Scenario 3 for the ladies.
You like the new guy, but he has a past: he’s been to jail before for a non-sexual or non-homicidal crime. You no likey his jail history, but, like Phaedra Parks of the “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” you’re kind of digging your new “Apollo”-ish ex-con honey boo. Before your mama intervenes and smacks you in your face for such horror, what should do?

Anthony responds: There is absolutely nothing wrong with digging an ex-offender who is very determined to turn their lives around.  Oftentimes, ex-offenders made one mistake that ultimately cost them a number of years in prison.  Are all of these individuals necessarily “bad” people?  Absolutely not!  This is a message that can be conveyed to your mama to help preclude a “smack down.”

China: Yeah, so uhm…trust or not trust this man?

Anthony: Similar to the hot-butter specimen, trust is established over a period of time, and communication and actions are the keys to building trust.  With an ex-offender, you will have to examine them not only to get a better understanding of who they are but also to see if they are really serious about living a better present and future.   Again, at face value, this hot-butter specimen may be able to put on good show for a certain period of time.  But, take your time and ascertain if he has really changed.  Keep learning about your potential Apollo and when you feel comfortable in your inner being through careful analysis and observation, then you should be able to safely open the doors of trust.

China: Anthony, you might be a lil nutters for espousing that jailbird love on Madame Noire. But, I understand what you’re saying on the whole. * blank stare * (Mama don’t hurt me!)

China describes: Scenario 4 for the ladies.

Your honey is from a different race or culture than you. Once, when joking, he uses a slur that surprises you. You stumble in shock and get really angry. He says he’s sorry and he was just kidding. What should you do?

Anthony responds: The exhibition of love is a beautiful thing – within the context of an intraracial or an interracial courtship or marriage.  Relative to interracial relationships, you would hope that your partner never makes a racial slur that demeans your culture and heritage.  But, if he does make this significant blunder, it is highly recommended that you swiftly and sternly address this issue by letting him know that the slur is not acceptable within the context of your relationship and that there may be severe repercussions if he does it again.

China: Got it. Now, spill the beans, Anthony! Trust or not trust this son-of-a-tongue?

Anthony: If your partner consistently engages in racially-based humor that demeans your culture and heritage, then the trust factor becomes really difficult to establish and/or maintain.  If you are courting such a man, it may prove beneficial to move on.  Conversely, if this truly was an isolated blunder that he later feels really bad about, then it should not adversely affect the trust in your relationship.

China describes: Scenario 5 for the ladies.

He spends a significant amount of time on the phone with women who he claims are his “friends.” You want to be mature, but you know how trifling some co-ed “friendships” can get. Still, you know that he’s never cheated on his ex-girlfriends and he would never hurt you (or so he claims). How do you know if you can trust him?

Anthony responds: It is not uncommon or atypical for a man to have mostly female friends.  And, in some cases, he may have been friends with these women before he met and became intimately involved with you.  If he has never cheated on his ex-girlfriends and has never hurt you, I think that you can trust him.  As a caveat, however, if he is spending more time on the phone and in person with his “friends” than with you, then it would be reasonable to question whether your relationship is still vibrant and whether any of his “friends” have become a “friend with benefits.”

China: ShooOoooo…

China describes: Scenario 6 for the ladies.

When he was younger, he was known as “the” pimp of all pimps. I mean, this man “used to be” a skanky ho of a hog-man. His sexual history is longer than Nene’s new nose. Now, he’s much calmer and doesn’t want to contract an STI. He’s a new “changed” man…and he’s your man. But, really though on the really real? Can you trust him?

Anthony responds: Mr. Space Age Pimpin’ has turned into a square choir boy, huh? It’s not an uncommon occurrence.  Some cynics and commentators do not believe that people can really change.  But, factual and documented cases from around the world have shown that people can turn their lives around through spiritual awakening and enlightment.

If the former Bishop Don Magic Juan is no longer interested in “pimpology” and other vices of his past life and truly shows consistent behavior where he tries his best to live right and to evade places and situations that can lead to trouble or cause a cataclysmic regression, then why not trust him?

China: Hmmmm. Answer accepted. For now

China describes: Scenario 7 for the ladies.

He’s dating you, but every celebrity or non-celebrity woman he says he likes, looks absolutely nothing like you. What in goodness name?! Can you trust this crazy a** man?

Anthony responds: Some men may fantasize about women- whether a celebrity or not- who all seem to have the same features.  This would cause alarm with some women.  But, if the man that you are dating is doing everything that he possibly can to show you that he loves, respects and cares for you, then I think that it is plausible to continue to trust him.  If he continues to show his admiration for these “fantasy” women, but does not seem to ever compliment you on your unique beauty and aesthetics, then you may want to consider whether you want to move on.

China describes: Scenario 8 for the ladies.

He’s lovely. Sometimes you think he’s a little “too” lovely. In fact, he’s giving you a Terry McMillan complex. He gets his nails done more often than you, and he “loves to shop.” Are you just being hyper-sensitive because of the black-men-on-the-DL narrative? How do you know if you can straight trust this brother? (I’m jussssst saying).

Anthony responds: A man who frequently gets his nails done and who loves to shop should not cause alarm. There are some men who really enjoy these forms of “escapism,” and are not on the DL.  ”Black-men-on-the-DL” is a valid and applicable narrative for some brothers, but women should really take the time to look for other indications, in aggregate, that their man may be engaging in this type of clandestine behavior.  If there are no other indications, then you can certainly trust this pedicured, manicured and well-dressed brother over time.

China: Hmmm. Mmm. Let’s hear it for the boys…

China describes: Scenario 9 for the ladies.

His money is fuuunnny. Geez. He spends like a fool and likes to keep up appearances. Maybe he has a good job, but you can’t be too sure he has financial sense. If he loses his job, he might end up broke because he saves nothing. Still, he loves you and wants to put a ring on it. Should you trust him?

Anthony responds: Certainly, there is nothing wrong with investing in yourself and keeping up your appearances.  But, this should not happen at the expense of being economically strained or broke.  Yes, he may have a good job, but he can certainly lose it especially in this lingering economy.  If he truly loves you, he will become more financially savvy and think more about the future (i.e., potential marriage, children, investment vehicles, financial assets, etc.).  If he doesn’t, instead of him stating that he wants to put a ring on it, you can start singing, “To the left, to the left.”

China: …everything you “own,” in the box, to the left…

China describes: Scenario 10 for the ladies.

He’s a rapper, rock star, singer, sports player, or one of those fake-famous type of dudes. *side eye* Can you trust this heffa-male?

Anthony responds:All rappers, rock stars, singers, ballers and aspiring celebrities are not “bad” dudes.  Some of these gentlemen may actually be really nice guys who can be committed to a relationship and exhibit the necessary actions and character that are needed to sustain a long-term relationship.  If he is one of these types of gentlemen, then I think it would be safe to trust him.

Ok my fellow bloggers what cha think? Chime in plz!

Damn, What Do You Really Want?

  

Hiya!!! I am back my friends! Did you miss me??? Sorry for the M I A you know how it goes... LIFE

Anywho, Good evening, Blog Readers! Here’s to another “Almost Monday Fun day!” After reading through some of my love and relationships articles, one of my male readers sent in a passionate e-mail explaining his position and how he doesn’t “get women.” Seriously, how many times have we had this conversation with a close friend and/or family member(s). This discussion is not gender specific either because women say the don’t understand men either!

In the e-mail the man expressed the notion of “women say they want a man that does this and that and when they find him, he’s too soft or too nice or isn’t quite rough around the edges enough.” He went on to tell a story about how he had invested his time in a relationship only to find that the women he was dating was still sleeping with her ex and her excuse was, “you’re always working and never spend time with me. This is where I’m confused! You say you want a man with a job, car and his own place and as a man, that’s what I’m supposed to do! I’m 32-years-old and women don’t motivate me to do that sh*t for myself. I take care of myself!! I’m in good shape and I’m mentally sound! What am I missing here?” He described himself and eligibility in few words, “I’m no pretty boy Billy D and I’m not a thug but I’m a man who knows how to treat a woman. Damn what do you really want??” Do you even know? I’m convinced that women don’t know what they want and that’s why men suffer.”

The statement is as simple as the topic is complex! Can we prevent pain and “suffrage” by knowing what we want and are willing to compromise? Are you realistic in your thought processes? Or, are we so caught up in a feeling, connection or chemistry — so blinded by love our standards and expectations take a back seat? That is until the flame defuses and you find that the two of you might not have so much in common (other than attraction) and he/she is not the “one.” So we asked a few of our lady readers, “what do you want in man?” Not surprisingly, it was hard for some to articulate what they want versus what they don’t want. And some know, without and shadow if a doubt, what they want in a partner.

In conclusion, he said, ” I challenge your woman readers to speak up and say with conviction, what they want.” Take a look and please discuss!

Wow, why is that such a hard question? I can tell you what I don’t want, for sure. What do I want? Hmm, I absolutely know what I don’t want and that’s a scrub. What I mean by that is, I want my man to know what it means to be a man. I’m not a needy chick so don’t take me not calling for a day personally. Or expect me to be the problem solver in the relationship. I want a man with a job and drive! I want him to have direction, like, I don’t want to have to show him the way to his own success because , if I do, then he’ll want me to do everything else for him. I want him to be as established as I am so we can match each other instead of compete, does that make sense? That’s what I want! – Teresa, 29

I want a man with a dream. I want him to chase his dreams like I do mine. I want him to know what he wants and how to go about getting what he wants, I only want to be the enhancement or the person on the sidelines cheering, I don’t want to be the work slave! I do believe it can be equal but as long as we share similar goals like being a parent, home ownership or big business! We just need to be on the same page, futuristically. If he’s all bark and no bite, I don’t want it. But if he’s focused but can still find time for me, he’s perfect! I just want him to want what he’s after like I am and we’ll be good! - Kelly, 28

Really, I want a man who’s not weak. I don’t want that dude that gets with a white girl because he’s looking for an easy way out of his problems, you know what I’m saying? I don’t want that dude that spends more time with the next broad than he does his own seed. I don’t want a weak-willed man who’s influenced by all the dumb a*s videos and reality TV. If he don’t know that that sh*t is fantasy then I can’t f*ck with him because he’s operating off a totally different principle. If he don’t want the real, then he don’t need to f*ck with me. I tell you what, the real reason why black men are into all kinds of other broads is because they stopped being scared of us. Not saying they should have ever been but you remember that damaging cartoon with the big-breasted black woman talking reckless on the porch, that was a design and a whole different conversation. But, for real, they stopped wanting to please black women and we got too arrogant. Like if you raise your voice or bust the windows out his car he’ll get right . . . no! He can get a bunch of other b*tches that will s*ck his d*ck and all that without the drama. If a man can recognize that, then, in my opinion, he’s not sleeping. What was the question, again? - Lady, 33

I want a man that wants more than he has and acts accordingly. If he didn’t have a man in his life, then I want him to be all he desired for his kids and not fall back on the “I didn’t have a father” excuse. I want a man’s man that knows what a woman wants instinctually. I want him to take care of himself while caring about the people in his life including me. I want a man that can rock me to tears in the bedroom and ignite a passion in me that only he can fuel. I think real men know how to do that but let’s be clear, a man like that is a man of God. He’s gotta be a God-fearing man to please a real woman. - Sandra, 29

Stay tuned for what the fellows responses next week!!!

Why won't SHE commit?!

Haha do I have your attention with my title?!?!?! Welp for those of you that know me, I love to flip the script nor am I the typical woman. I don't have commitment issues, but as a single mother I can't afford to make mistakes when it comes to dating... So to help some of my brotha's that finds themselves into a woman but she just won't commit..  Let's explore this a little bit more shall we?

So men, have you ever found yourself puzzled about a woman's intentions toward you? 

You've taken her out, wined and dined her, treated her like a queen, and she still gives you the run around?

She's every thing you've ever wanted.  She has beauty, class, and a great personality.

She shows you affection, answers when you call, and may even pay for a date or two.

You want her, but any time you bring up commitment she runs for the hills?

So what gives? Why won't she commit?!

Men are not the only ones who don't give titles quickly.  There are a number of men who sit and ponder why the lady in their life won't accept the title "girlfriend".  They are with a lady who runs hot and cold.  She gives him just enough to keep him interested, but never quite all of herself.  She allows him to get close, but she keeps him at a distance.  Just when he thinks the chase is over and he has her, she pulls away. 

You have conversations that go something like this:

YOU:  I really enjoy spending time with you, and would like to see you more often.

HER: Oh that's sweet of you to say! I like spending time with you too.

YOU: You know I think about you all the time.

HER: You do?

YOU:  Yes, I've been waiting to have a woman like you in my life for awhile. I can really see us being good together.

HER: Ummm...ok.  Well, I think I need to make another phone call.  Can we talk tomorrow?

Here's the deal.  Some women just do not want to be in committed relationships.  She may be at the time in her life where she's just "doing her".  Which means she's dating, having fun, living life and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone.  She enjoys your company, but she is not trying to answer to anyone's title.  She views commitments as loss of freedom.  And that is the last thing she wants.

Another reason may be that you're doing too much, without requiring anything from her.  And most noncommittal women will not commit to men who don't require anything from them.  You have to be blunt and set boundaries.  Make love to her mind not just her body.. Most men won't understand that statement. For those of you go back to undergraduate level, I only deal with 500+ level. Now where was I? oh, do not let her use your kindness for weakness.  She won't respect you.  There must be balance.  If you do not require anything from her, she will keep you in waiting while she looks for a man who will. Sorry ladies am I telling a little too much...

In other situations, she may feel unworthy of you.  She has some issues that she's dealing with that make her question why a guy like you would want to be with her.  In this situation, the commitment phobia can be calmed down with a little tender loving care.  She has to heal from whatever in her past makes her feel like she doesn't deserve a man who treats her well.  However, you must be in it for the long haul, because this will take time.

Whatever you do, do not indulge a noncommittal woman.  She will take noncommittal to new heights and it will drive you crazy.  She will make you feel like you are the only one and the best man in the world, but she will not become your girl, wife or significant other.  You will forever be her friend unless you decide to go on your separate way or tap into the reason why she won't commit.

To get into the real reason why she won't commit, you have to have a strong nerve.  You may not like what you hear.  You may learn that you are not her ideal mate and she cannot see herself with you in the future.  Just know that you deserve to be with a woman who wants to be with you. Let the choir say amend!

You should give your heart, love and time to someone who will give the same in return.  If you ask not, you receive not.  Make your intentions known, and let her know that there is a limit to how much time she will be allowed in your life if she insists on playing around.  And whatever you do, stick to your guns.

I think I could go on with us women having our own successful careers, mothering and simply holding it down on our own, we expect more from our man. But that will be part two. :-)

Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment

How to Cure a Committment Phobic

When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit: Recognizing the Signs of a Commitment-Phobe and What You Can Do About It