Posting a new topic next couple of days

Sorry readers I haven't forgot you all new job, just trying to get out of my own way. Posting within 2 days stay tuned..

Why Do the Kids Have to Suffer?

Dear Steph, I need a little help from you and your readers. I divorced my husband 4 years ago and I’m just now getting readjusted to living the single life. There were a number of reasons why we ended up having to divorce, one being he was unfaithful on a number of occasions and the second is because he lacked the drive to make something of himself. We got married when we were 21 and I was in college while he was cutting hair here and there and dabbled in real estate. Well after we had our 2 kids before the age of 30, my husband decided he wanted to be a rapper and started hanging around in random studios and “touring” with another local rapper. Needless to say that got old pretty fast and I was wanting more. Mind you, in the meantime I got my Master’s, bought a house and was holding down the fort by providing and putting in the work hours. However, let me be clear, I didn’t do it for him I did it for my kids. After a while I really got tired of him not wanting more for himself and being a better example for our kids. I guess the problem was I grew up and he did not. Plus the women that were in his phone and calling all hours of the night was the last straw. Well it’s been 4 years since we split and I’m loving life and he immediately moved into a tiny apartment with one of his bust downs and that’s fine with me because I don’t want or need anything from him. I feel so free not having to deal with him and our kids are at an age where they can coordinate when they want to spend time with him without me having to be involved until they need to be picked up or dropped off. Where I think I’m messing up is I allow him to come over and spend time with the kids only because sometimes I feel more at ease knowing they’re home. But lately he keeps trying me and talking nonsense whenever I see him. He says things like “well, you need to give us another chance” or “all you have to do is say the word and I’m back” but I don’t want him! I’ve even grown to like his current girlfriend a little only because she’s good to my kids. What I don’t like is that when I tell him I’m not interested in getting back with him and that our time has run its course, he gets mad and takes it out on the kids by not calling or making good on his word to them. I think it’s disgusting that I almost have to play along and flirt with his little insinuations to get him to come through for the kids! I’m over him, I want him in the kids life but it seems like more of a hassle than anything else. Do you have any input or advice for situations like these?

Hello to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! Ahhh, the classic “you never miss a good thing until it’s gone” story at its best, right? And, sis, you have proven that another saying is also true, “success is the best revenge!” One can only admire the strides you’ve made and the example you’ve set for your children . . . and, obviously, your ex-husband is feeling the loss! If he has an ounce of intelligence, he’s probably wishing he had done things differently and could only hope for another chance with you but, in his heart, he knows he doesn’t have a fighting chance at this point unless he makes more than a few changes in his life. So far, “Easy Street” seems to be where he’s most comfortable, unfortunately. Without knowing the logistics of the divorce, he’s got it made in comparison to others in the same situation! All you ask of him is time and attention to devote to the kids and nothing more!

So, what it sounds like is, you’ve got troubles establishing solid boundaries at this juncture in your relationship. Although you two are divorced, you will have to deal with each other until the kids are grown, so it’s best to firmly enforce your boundaries and expectations without hesitation. If he’s talking slick to you and taking it out on your kids when you don’t entertain him, then that speaks volumes of his selfish character! Your romantic involvement, or lack thereof, with him should not, in any way, dictate his parenting! True, it’s awkward in times of transition but he’s had four years to adjust to the divorce and has moved on with his life! You’re deserving of the same freedom, so don’t even fool around with his shenanigans for a second! Divert any and all his innuendos and refocus the conversation back to the kids! All communication should be strictly business . . . i.e. the kids!

But here’s the deal, you clearly have a place in his heart and mind so use your position wisely. In most, cases, there’s normally a point or position that cannot be argued because it makes too much sense and you can’t argue truth and fact. Tell him straight up, “hey, you know what? Our marriage ran its course and I’m ready to move on with my life! You’ve moved on, so why can’t I?” Tell him the kids should not have to suffer because you don’t want to rekindle a romantic relationship with him and stress the fact that, at some point, he’s going to have to answer to his absence! Tell him he will no longer be welcomed in your house if he can’t adhere to the visitation schedule. Be firm in the idea that you want nothing from him outside of him being a father to the kids. But you must tell him without wavering . . . you have to be firm, ma, no “flirting!” He’ll come around to it in due time if you stick to your guns, so stay strong, sis! Stay strong and keep living! My thing is always know your worth! I can't say that enough...

What are your thoughts, blogger Fam? Please share them below!

To Date or Not to Date a single Mother/Father

Hello my fellow bloggers and readers. Happy Monday, I hope you all had a great weekend, I know I did! My Raiders won, Seahawks looked like shit, o'well I digress... .  I think today is going to be a good day... Alright let's dig in shall we? This topic is a very touchy topic either way, it’s a topic that’s clearly worthy of discussion. Generally, according to the responses, single people without children feel that single parents spoil their kids, are overprotective of them and too lax in disciplining them. Now, single parents, as a rule, wear the hats of both parents and find a way singlehandedly balance two-part parental tasks everyday. They don’t get breaks or 15-20 minute breathers each day, from sunup to sundown they’re ripping and running. It’s not easy but some make it look effortless. Then there are the single people who are responsible only for themselves, come and go wherever and whenever they want and answer to no one. They can work overtime, hit the happy hour or the gym after work, take weekend trips and sleep in on the weekends. These two lifestyles are like night and day. They are on two opposite ends of the spectrum and in no way similar. While single parents may long for the single life for just one night, single people may long for a family to come home to. So when the two lifestyles merge, where do you find the balance? How soon is too soon to introduce your children to a person of interest? Once the relationship is established, does the family newcomer have a say in how you discipline your children and, if so, to what extent? Communication is key, as always, but even though boundaries are communicated, until the situation arises how do you know you’re comfortable with the terms that were discussed? Dealing with children is a sensitive matter and, naturally, parents will protect them by any means necessary even if the third party means well. Not the mention the angst the third party may feel by being attached to a child, or in yesterday’s case, disliking the child. The situation is complicated, no doubt, but is it complicated enough to reject or refuse to date a man or woman with a child or children? I myself am a single mother, I typically don't date men who don't have kids. But my last two relationships the men didn't have kids... To me people without kids just don't get it....

I was married for seven years and have three children with my ex-husbnad. My oldest son is 11 and my youngest is 5. We’ve been divorced for four years and I think dating, for me, is out of the question. As crazy as it may sound, if I date again, I don’t want to date a man with children. I’d prefer to date a single man because I know for a fact that I can’t love anyone else’s kids like I love my own, so don’t ask me to and that’s the honest truth. And I wouldn’t expect a man to love my kids like my ex-husband does. I just can’t see it. Maybe when the baby goes off to college I might have a chance but until then, it’s the single life for me. -Sonia, 37

I’ll be honest, I used to go out of my way not to date women with kids. Like, for example, I’m not with a chick having three kids by three different dudes. To me, that just shows she’s got poor decision making skills, you know? But I say that to say that every story is different and the woman I’m seeing now has a son who’s 8. He’s really smart and goofy and carefree but he’s a cool lil’ dude. She didn’t even let me meet him until about 6 months into it. She invited me to one of his games or whatever and he was checking me out, like, ‘who are you and why are you here?’ But I was okay with that and got to know him. Now I take him to the barber shop and to his practices . . . home depot, it don’t matter. He’s alright with me but I had to earn his trust and I understood that from the door. And before I came around, he used to get over on her and knew how to really work her and I just sat back and watched. After he did or said whatever, I would ask her if I could go talk to the little man and she would be like, ‘why? What you got to say to my son?’ We argued about it a few times but now she’ll say, “can you go and talk some sense into him, please?” We’re good now but it took time and a certain level of trust. I think it’s all about your approach. - Jay, 33

Well, most of the men I’ve dated had children. Most men have children I thought. But over time I’ve learned to see how serious a man with children is. I don’t want to meet your kid unless I can meet the mother of said child or children. If he says he wants me to meet his kids then I’m like ‘well, I want to meet the mother first.’ My sister is a single mother and she’s moved on but her daughter’s father always has a new women around their three-year-old which isn’t cool. She stresses the fact that she just wants to meet whoever will be in her child’s presence only because she has allergies to certain foods and wants to communicate what she can and cannot eat. I, personally, don’t want to be responsible for a child being hospitalized or injured under my care so that’s why I stress meeting the mama. If he says, ‘she’s crazy’ and this and that all that means is, they’re probably still f*cking. He’s not handling his fatherly business and/or he has yet to set the tone of their interaction. They always tell on themselves, so I just listen. -Rae, 27

I was reading through some of the comments in yesterday’s post and I was appalled at the number of women who felt a wife should come before children. It’s painfully obvious that most of the women who said that don’t have kids or they’re selfish parents. I have two and me and my wife would take a bullet before we let anything happen to our children. A love for your child is completely different from the love you share with someone else. I love my children in a way that I could never love my wife and she feels the same way. We both understand that our needs take a backseat to the kids. I think that’s the problem though, too many parents don’t put their children first. And the single parents who date people with no kids always end up feeling like ‘you have no clue. You just don’t get it’ because if you don’t have kids, you can’t understand the love a mother or father has for a child. The women who wrote the letter yesterday is a perfect example. How you gon’ dictate how he should discipline his daughter? She’s clueless. I say, single folks should date other singles and single parents should date single parents. Problem solved. - James, 35

What are your thoughts, blogger fam? Please share them below!

Kindle Wireless Reading Device, Wi-Fi, 6" Display, Graphite - Latest Generation (I really want one of these)  Dating for Dads: The Single Father's Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly Single Parenting That Works: Six Keys to Raising Happy, Healthy Children in a Single-Parent Home  

Sextra: This is for my male readers!

Hey guys, it’s almost Friday, or maybe already Friday for some over my overseas readers. Fellas how many of you will be chatting it up in front of an XBox, clutching a cold beer, watching the UW Huskies punish that Nebraska team, talking about women and how they are never satisfied? Lots, right? Now let’s compare that number to the guys who will be cozied up in front of his flatscreen watching SportsCenter, clutching a cold beer AND his warm woman. Not many, right? At the end of the night, the XBoxers get nothing but their own hand service, while the other man gets to watch sports, drink beer AND get the good loving! Why? Because he’s taken the time to be a gentleman and, because of this, his lady could care less what he does in his spare time because when he all hers, she knows it without a doubt! It doesn’t take long guys, just some good old effort, time and attention! Besides, being a gentleman is sexy to a women, and will get you a permanent seat in her No.1 spot for the long run. A sexy body and face only go so far with a woman, but sexy ways will keep her open and loving you.


1.) Focus, Man – Fellas, put the cell phone down! One thing that is an immediate turn-off is when a man yammers on the phone with his boys during time that is supposed to spent with your lady! A woman’s time with her guy is supposed to be exclusive, period. After the time is spent, she’s good! But don’t giggle on the phone gossiping like girls with your homeboys, save it for when she’s not around, girlie gossip should be done alone. Note: Putting the phone on vibrate and constantly ignoring calls is worse than the chatter, and above all, a douche bag move.


2.) Be Handy – (I need this badly) women are such the “I can do it myself” kind, but we really don’t want to. So instead of offering, “do you want me to come over and out your computer desk together?” Tell her, “Oh, so you got desk!? I’m going to come put it together for you, what time works for you?” She can’t say no, and if you finish with a “what you cooking?” You’re being a man and making an offer she can’t refuse. If she does, she’s just not feeling you, move on.


3.) Stay Informed – Fellas, it’s okay to put the joysticks down and read a book every now and again! Pay attention to what women are reading! For instance, nowadays the Steve Harvey bestseller is a conversation piece for so many – the woman you’re taking out could be applying the knowledge from the book to you, and could potentially crush you at your own man game! No bueno. Imagine if you’ve both read the same book? Now, not only are you cute and funny, you’re smart too! Best to be on the same page, literally.

4.) Possess Knightliness – every woman wants that knight in shining armor. Not that you have to be this every day, but at least possess the capacity to do so from time to time. For example, after your date walk her to her car, open the door, close it, kiss her cheek through the window and wait for her to pull off before you make your exit. She’ll feel safe and flattered that you thought enough of her to make sure she’s in one piece when you left her. Give her a call about an hour later to make sure she’s in a safe space and let her know you enjoyed her company and can’t wait to see her again. Be a gentleman to your fullest potential, it never fails!


5.) Give More Than a 1 Word Reply – regardless of if its a text, email or face to face conversation, get involved! Again, it doesn’t have to be everyday or every conversation. Sometimes it takes a little more than a “yeah,” “uh-huh” or “cool” to soothe a woman’s need to be heard. Give more attention to the conversation topics that are especially important to her and be honest and compassionate. She’ll remember these times and know it’s within you to be caring.


6.) Don’t Be a “Yes” Man – it’s okay to give your lady a good firm “no,” and disagree from time to time. Women only like a pushover for so long and she’ll eventually get bored with your compliance, if you’re the type to concede to avoid an argument. It’s healthy for you to tell her “no”occasionally. Although she may not like it, she’ll respect your manhood and fall back. Disagreeing won’t kill her, but will it piss her smooth off? Sure. But she’ll get over it and, once again, respect your manhood and you standing your ground.


Ladies you agree with me? If not, chime in I love and appreciate all feedback.

Random Thought:

Looking forward to my Amtrax train trip tomorrow. I will be waking up early to buy a good book to just read on the train and go numb... Has any one just needed to go numb? A lot going on, this time will be well spent. Me time, thinking time.. Reflection... Some think my classiness and always wanting to be a lady is equivalent to me being weak. I am not weak.. Stronger than obviously anyone knows... Never let them see you sweat...

Why won't SHE commit?!

Haha do I have your attention with my title?!?!?! Welp for those of you that know me, I love to flip the script nor am I the typical woman. I don't have commitment issues, but as a single mother I can't afford to make mistakes when it comes to dating... So to help some of my brotha's that finds themselves into a woman but she just won't commit..  Let's explore this a little bit more shall we?

So men, have you ever found yourself puzzled about a woman's intentions toward you? 

You've taken her out, wined and dined her, treated her like a queen, and she still gives you the run around?

She's every thing you've ever wanted.  She has beauty, class, and a great personality.

She shows you affection, answers when you call, and may even pay for a date or two.

You want her, but any time you bring up commitment she runs for the hills?

So what gives? Why won't she commit?!

Men are not the only ones who don't give titles quickly.  There are a number of men who sit and ponder why the lady in their life won't accept the title "girlfriend".  They are with a lady who runs hot and cold.  She gives him just enough to keep him interested, but never quite all of herself.  She allows him to get close, but she keeps him at a distance.  Just when he thinks the chase is over and he has her, she pulls away. 

You have conversations that go something like this:

YOU:  I really enjoy spending time with you, and would like to see you more often.

HER: Oh that's sweet of you to say! I like spending time with you too.

YOU: You know I think about you all the time.

HER: You do?

YOU:  Yes, I've been waiting to have a woman like you in my life for awhile. I can really see us being good together.

HER: Ummm...ok.  Well, I think I need to make another phone call.  Can we talk tomorrow?

Here's the deal.  Some women just do not want to be in committed relationships.  She may be at the time in her life where she's just "doing her".  Which means she's dating, having fun, living life and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone.  She enjoys your company, but she is not trying to answer to anyone's title.  She views commitments as loss of freedom.  And that is the last thing she wants.

Another reason may be that you're doing too much, without requiring anything from her.  And most noncommittal women will not commit to men who don't require anything from them.  You have to be blunt and set boundaries.  Make love to her mind not just her body.. Most men won't understand that statement. For those of you go back to undergraduate level, I only deal with 500+ level. Now where was I? oh, do not let her use your kindness for weakness.  She won't respect you.  There must be balance.  If you do not require anything from her, she will keep you in waiting while she looks for a man who will. Sorry ladies am I telling a little too much...

In other situations, she may feel unworthy of you.  She has some issues that she's dealing with that make her question why a guy like you would want to be with her.  In this situation, the commitment phobia can be calmed down with a little tender loving care.  She has to heal from whatever in her past makes her feel like she doesn't deserve a man who treats her well.  However, you must be in it for the long haul, because this will take time.

Whatever you do, do not indulge a noncommittal woman.  She will take noncommittal to new heights and it will drive you crazy.  She will make you feel like you are the only one and the best man in the world, but she will not become your girl, wife or significant other.  You will forever be her friend unless you decide to go on your separate way or tap into the reason why she won't commit.

To get into the real reason why she won't commit, you have to have a strong nerve.  You may not like what you hear.  You may learn that you are not her ideal mate and she cannot see herself with you in the future.  Just know that you deserve to be with a woman who wants to be with you. Let the choir say amend!

You should give your heart, love and time to someone who will give the same in return.  If you ask not, you receive not.  Make your intentions known, and let her know that there is a limit to how much time she will be allowed in your life if she insists on playing around.  And whatever you do, stick to your guns.

I think I could go on with us women having our own successful careers, mothering and simply holding it down on our own, we expect more from our man. But that will be part two. :-)

Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment

How to Cure a Committment Phobic

When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit: Recognizing the Signs of a Commitment-Phobe and What You Can Do About It

Study: Overweight Men Can “Lay The Pipe” For Long Periods Of Time While Lean Men Ejaculate Prematurely

According to a recent study, “plus-sized” men can pleasure women for longer periods of time when compared to athletic types:

Happy Friday bloggers! Going thru some rough times, so I need to write! Clear my mind! Here is something a little different than my typical post. But still on the subject of sex!! A friend of mine said to me I write about sex a lot. Why not write about what you know? And although many don't admit it we all love sex, or to look at sex. I think for some who don't they've never had good sex... hummm just a thought... Any who I digress, let's get started shall we...

 Fat men last longer in bed, while lean gym jocks are prone to premature ejaculation, a new study has found. The scientific research, from Erciyes University in Turkey, found that men with excess body fat develop more female sex hormones that influence their sexual performance. Men with high fat levels were found to have higher levels of the female sex hormone oestradiol, which disrupts the chemical balance in their body, making them last longer during sex. Oh boi ladies...

The survey’s results found fat men could last an average of 7.3 minutes during love making, while others only lasted 1.8 minutes. To find the results, researchers spent a year recording the body mass index (BMI) of more than 100 patients referred for specialist treatment. They compared these results with 100 other male patients who lasted longer during sex.

Results concluded that the men needing treatment for premature ejaculation had lower BMI scores, meaning they were fitter.

“We found that premature ejaculators were leaner,” the report stated.

Wow, ladies…so literally, Which One Would You Hit??? A man-boobilicious overweight guy who can stroke it all night long, or a fine ass athletic “1.8 minute” man???? SMH. Not going to put my business out there but I prefer a fit man and I have had a couple of overweight men and they didn't last as long as my fit men. Not even close...

Source

Sex Drive Big beautiful women: the body size preferences of male fat admirers.(Report): An article from: The Journal of Sex Research Sex, Drugs, Dope, Murder, Mayhem... The United II Tour